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Summer Heat Avoidance Techniques (SHAT)

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August 2nd, 2011

In case you haven’t noticed, it’s hot outside.  And if you haven’t noticed, you probably don’t need to read this because you’re already well-versed in Summer Heat Avoidance Techniques (SHAT).  In other words, you know your SHAT.

If you have noticed that it’s hot outside, but you continue to flail away outside in hopes that you’ll evolve to some sort of human/lizard/camel type of being – it could be said that you are ignorant in SHAT.  In other words, you’re a dumb SHAT.  And at some point in your futile attempt to evolve, the SHAT will hit the fan and you’ll end up in deep SHAT. 

My job requires me to work long hard hours under the summer sun, and I can tell you that it’s impossible to adapt to extreme summer heat such as we encounter in Tucson.  Because it’s impossible to adapt to the summer heat in Tucson, I’ve become an expert in avoiding the heat.  In order to help you avoid a SHAT storm, I’ve come up with a list of ways to help you avoid the heat.  In other words, I’m full of SHAT.

1. STAY INSIDE.  I know it seems obvious, but the heat makes us stupid.  When it’s really hot outside, don’t leave the house unless it’s absolutely necessary.  Have everything delivered to your front door: groceries, the newspaper, mail.  This may seem extreme, but remember – it’s hot out there.

2. BUY A PLANE TICKET.  It doesn’t really matter where you go.  Some place cool would be smart, but simply getting on the plane will cool you down enough to get through a couple warm summer days.  I don’t know what kind of a/c planes have, but I’ve yet to fly anywhere and not freeze my butt off on the plane.  And now that someone has decided that the blankets airlines used to provide (free of charge) carry tuberculosis, the bubonic plague, malaria, the hanta virus, the heartbreak of psoriasis, cooties, and other undesirable conditions – hypothermia is almost assured provided you dress sparsely.

3. GO TO THE MOVIES. It’s a little known fact that movie theaters purchase their a/c units from the same manufactures that supply the airlines.  Dress sparsely and then purchase a family sized (273 oz. the last time I went to a movie theater) ice cold beverage and you’ll be lucky to make it through the pre-views before you’re uncomfortably chilled.

4. SIT IN A TUB OF ICE WATER.  For those time when you must venture outside, such as the Fourth of July, or one of your kid’s sporting events, fill a big plastic tub (easily portable) with ice cubes and water, and sit in it. 

5. MOVE TO ALASKA OR ICELAND.  Again – this seems extreme, but if you really want to avoid the heat . . .

6. EAT SPICY FOODS.  I learned this from my Cajun friends during my childhood in Louisiana.  If you eat five or six jalapenos or half a habanero pepper, you will feel cold.  It really works.  However, there are some nasty side-effects that should be discussed should you choose this method (email me for details) (it has something to do with digestion) (let’s just say that while most of your body will feel cold, one especially sensitive area will feel extremely hot).

7. EAT ICE CREAM QUICKLY AND IN LARGE QUANTITIES.  Brain freeze is your friend.  If the brain is cold, the body feels cold.  On extremely hot summer days I will quickly consume a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey, and then go for a run.  I usually get 3-4 miles before I notice the heat. (Note: Due to the severe brain freeze, I’m often forced to run the first mile or two with one hand pressed against my forehead and one eye squeezed shut, which throws off the stride a bit.)

8. RUB ICY HOT ON YOUR ARM PITS. A little goes a long way.  Just a thin coat will do.  Icy Hot is affordable and smells nice – it can double as a deodorant, in a pinch. 

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