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Top Ten Reasons Not To Office at Starbucks

September 27th, 2011

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  • 10. Office coffee is better than Starbucks coffee.
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  • 9. By the time you order and receive your Grande, no foam, light whip, half caf, triple shot, short, double mochaccino, with 3 splendas, 2 raw sugars, stirred, and exactly 120 degrees Fahrenheit, the NYSE will have closed shop for the day.
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  • 8. You will inevitably find yourself sitting next to a 30-something-ish man sitting cross-legged on one of the couches, barefoot, picking his toenails, and sipping a warm cup of whip cream (non-fat) while reading the latest issue of Real Simple Magazine.
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  • 7. You’ll have no choice but to listen to a 30-something-ish woman who is talking way too loudly on a cell phone, to her mother – informing her mother that her baby brother (also 30-something-ish) should not, under any circumstance, be allowed to play in her room.
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  • 6. You’ll have no choice but to listen to 12 or 13 teenage girls on lunch-break, talk about things you absolutely do not want to hear – especially if you’re the parent of a girl.  On the other hand, some of the things they speak about could prove helpful if you’re the parent of a boy.
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  • 5. Approximately 1.3 times per minute, you’ll be forced to listen to someone (mostly females, but a surprisingly large number of males) order a Grande, non-fat, 1, 2, or 3 pump (WTF), vanilla latte.
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  • 4. If you are a reasonably attractive middle-aged man and appear to be single (ie: you are alone), you will repeatedly get hit on by a seemingly endless stream of 60-something-ish women who are all hopped up on Chai tea and non-fat lemon cake with icing.
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  • 3. Scones.  (So good and so not non-fat.)
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  • 2. No personal assistant.  If you do bring your personal assistant, it’s not work – it’s a coffee break.
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  • 1. Starbucks is a coffee house (sort of) and not an office space.  Your presence will cause hoards of people eager to order complicated coffee drinks that have very little to do with coffee and then congregate around tables and on couches and gossip, socialize, ponder, listen to music, talk about music, laugh, and lots of other things that people typically do at coffee shops, to go elsewhere because your papers and file folders, portable printers, computers, and other office items that are more appropriately found in an office, are taking up two tables worth of space just because , for some weird reason,  you feel that you’ll be more productive working at a Starbucks than you would be in an office.
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  • Did I miss any?

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